“One of the great blocks to realizing the gold of who we are is our conviction that, ‘something is wrong with me.’ When I teach about the trance of unworthiness, I’m often asked, ‘Why do we hold so tightly to our belief in our own deficiency? Why are we so loyal to our suffering, so addicted to our self-judgement?’
- Tara Brach
Therapy for Building Self-Compassion
Do you have thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” “No one likes me,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m unworthy”?
Is it hard for you to receive positive feedback?
Do you find yourself holding on to negative words or a past experience?
Does your negative inner voice keep showing up (no matter what reassurances you get from friends/family)?
Have you ever wondered about what your life would be like if you could just let all this unworthiness go?
If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing life with low self-esteem and lack self-compassion. This can be a common experience. Even so, therapy can be a space where you develop a healthy relationship with yourself and start to realize the gold of who you are. I’m Hillary Thomas, LCSW and am a therapist skilled in helping individuals develop self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff describes that “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.“ The three elements of self-compassion are: 1) self-kindness instead of self-judgement, 2) common humanity instead of isolation, 3) mindfulness instead of over-identification. With self-kindness you are being warm, understanding, and gentle with yourself even as you “fail” or experience something painful. With common humanity, you realize that all humans are imperfect and you are not the only one making mistakes. With mindfulness, you create space from your negative beliefs and hold them with less personalization and attachment.
How do I know if my lack of self-compassion is a problem?
The “not good enough” voice you hear can build and build and spill over into many areas of our lives. So much so that when an opportunity or new experience comes up, we may count ourselves out before even trying. Imagine saying no to a potential promotion at work. Or no to a date or relationship. Or no in the moments that may bring closer connection to friends and family. The things we end up saying no to can be really heartbreaking to look back on.
The you that is shaped by low self-esteem is not your true self. The you that is formed is certainly familiar and may feel real, but it is not true. As Tara Brach says, it is a “trance of unworthiness.” Releasing the belief that you are unworthy, will allow you to flourish into your most true self.
Without self-compassion, you can experience:
Depression
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Body image issues
Ruminating on negative thoughts
Feeling not good enough, unlovable, and/or worthless
Self-Consciousness
Over-sensitivity to criticism
Loneliness
Discounting success
Isolation
Many life events or new experiences can trigger this. It can also be true that you have lived with low self-compassion your whole life - maybe it first rooted in a childhood or growing up experience and grew from there. No matter where it came from, it’s important that you realize how worthy and golden you are. Imagine what your life can be like when that negative inner voice is quiet, when your sense of self is secure, when you truly embrace yourself. Therapy can help get you there.
What is the difference between low self-esteem and self-compassion?
Generally low self-esteem is defined as not having confidence in who you are or what you do, feeling inadequate and/or unlovable, and fearing making mistakes or disappointing others.
Dr. Kristin Neff describes that, “In modern Western culture, self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. It is not okay to be average, we have to feel above average to feel good about ourselves. This means that attempts to raise self-esteem may result in narcissistic, self-absorbed behavior, or lead us to put others down in order to feel better about ourselves. We also tend to get angry and aggressive towards those who have said or done anything that potentially makes us feel bad about ourselves. The need for high self-esteem may encourage us to ignore, distort or hide personal shortcomings so that we can’t see ourselves clearly and accurately. Finally, our self-esteem is often contingent on our latest success or failure, meaning that our self-esteem fluctuates depending on ever-changing circumstances.”
Self-compassion, on the other hand, isn’t based on “being better” or achieving a goal. Self-compassion is something you can always give yourself regardless of what’s happening in your life. Self-compassion is your relationship with yourself. It is about being kind to yourself, even in your toughest moments. Self-compassion helps build greater “greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”
For more on the differences, read this article: Why We Should Stop Chasing Self-Esteem and Start Developing Self-Compassion.
I’ve also written a blog about “The Trance of Unworthiness.”
How can therapy help me build self-compassion?
In addressing low self-esteem, we will work together to help you build self-compassion by:
Creating a healthy relationship to yourself
Learning that your low self-esteem thoughts and feelings are not “you.”
Exploring where these thoughts and feelings show up and where they may have originated.
Using coping skills such as mindfulness
Developing a strong inner voice that is rooted in self-compassion
Therapy will help you to navigate the ups and downs of life without personalizing and folding in. You will feel more in touch with your heart and more willing to expand outwards into new experiences.
Interested?
Contact me today and we’ll get started.