Myths and Truths about Grief

Grief is another emotion that everyone has a challenging time with. Both in our personal experience and in supporting others through theirs. We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. We all know what it feels like and yet, there can be this pressure to move through it efficiently. If we can unwind what we’ve internalized about grief, can we have a different, more spacious experience of it?

In her book, It’s OK That You’re Not Okay, Megan Divine says that:

“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”

Let’s unpack some myths and truths about grief:

 

Myths about Grief

  • Grief is a negative emotion

  • Grief has a timeline

  • Grief will consume you

  • You can make your grief smaller

 

Truths about Grief

  • Grief is universal – I, personally, don’t believe that any emotion is “bad for us.” We will all experience grief. I like to think of what Francis Weller said:

    “Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.”

  • There is no timeline for grief – there’s this idea that by a certain time after your loved one has died, you should no longer feel sad or as sad. Read that sentence again. Does it sound ridiculous? How could any of us linearly progress through a feeling? Grief, like love, will always be there in some way.

  • Some days it will feel like grief is consuming you, but in reality grief is something you can carry. It may feel bigger or smaller on different days.

    • The grief in a box analogy helps to provide an image of why certain days can feel more emotional. Imagine a box with a “pain button” on one wall – also inside the box is your grief which is represented by a circle. This circle can vary in size. Some days it may be small and bounce around without touching the pain button; other days it may be huge and touch the pain button many times.

  • You can’t make grief go away, but you can relate to it differently. This is probably the most important realization for your own healing. Grief is going to be there AND you will be okay.

 

Reimagining Grief

What would happen if we experienced grief and didn’t feel pressure to move through it efficiently, put it away, or make it palatable to others? Could we learn to really connect with grief and examine the need underneath it?

What would grief tell you?

You might hear: “Today I need community,” “Today I need to be left alone,” “Today I need to move slow,” “Today I am feeling incredibly sensitive,” “Today I need distraction,” or “Today I want to do something that helps me feel connected to my loved one.”

If we can tolerate the feeling of grief a little better, we can hear what it says, and learn to nurture it.

Resources:

Refuge in Grief - Megan Divine: https://refugeingrief.com/

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller: https://www.francisweller.net/books.html

Grief as a Ball in a Box Analogy: https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.