Anger is an emotion that a lot of people have a challenging time with. We judge it almost the moment it appears. Often, we’re brought up believing anger is bad, but is that really true? Maybe it’s the societal and cultural beliefs around anger that make it a difficult experience and not necessarily the emotion itself. If we can unwind what we’ve internalized about anger, can we have a different experience of it?
Let’s unpack some myths and truths about anger:
Myths about Anger
Anger is a negative emotion
If you ignore anger, it will go away
Anger is destructive
Some people just have bad tempers and can’t help how they express anger
Venting and physically expressing anger helps make you less angry
Managing anger means making it quieter and being still
Truths about Anger
Anger is not a negative emotion
Ignoring your anger is exactly that, ignoring your experience
Anger can be productive
Everyone can learn to express their anger in healthy ways
Destruction and rumination amplify anger
Stifling anger doesn’t resolve it
Physical exercise, writing about your anger, and engaging in constructive conversations with others help regulate anger.
Reimagining Anger
What would happen if we experienced anger and didn’t feel the need to get rid of it immediately or make it small?
There’s a general fear that anger will consume. That you’ll get lost it in. Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says that the intensity of an emotion dissipates in 90 seconds. She recommends “when you’re stressed, pausing ninety seconds and labeling what you’re feeling (eg., I’m getting angry), tamps down activity in the amygdala. MRI studies of the brain show that this “emotion labeling” calms the brain region involved in angry outbursts and helps you regain control.” (Source: Alyson M Stone - 90 Seconds to Emotional Reslience)
Imagine that! A lot of us fight anger or push it down — which we perceive as effective, but really just extends the anger timeline and increases the chance it may spill out or show up unexpectedly, misdirected. If we can name our anger closer to when we initially feel it, we can regulate our nervous systems more compassionately and not force ourselves through the day ignoring it.
Could we learn to connect with anger and examine the need underneath it?
If we can tolerate the feeling of anger a little better, we can nurture it. By that I mean, what’s underneath the anger? Are you responding to injustice, being misunderstood, feeling hurt? Noticing this helps you to understand what actions you may want to take to move through the anger. In this way, anger can become something that inspires motivation and creates fuel for change, conversation, and healthy expression.