Interview with ShoutOut L.A. | Meet Hillary Thomas - Therapist

I had the unique opportunity to connect with ShoutOut L.A. for an interview. You can read it here: https://shoutoutla.com/meet-hillary-thomas-therapist/ or below.

Hi Hillary, we’d love to hear about a book that’s had an impact on you.
The One Hundred Nights of Hero by Isabel Greenberg. I love graphic novels endlessly, it’s such a unique form of storytelling. I especially go for the ones written by a queer author or if there are queer characters. This one is about a woman Cherry who is married to a man who makes a bet with his friend to see if the friend can seduce his wife in one hundred nights. If the friend is successful, he’s promised the man’s castle. What both men don’t know is that Cherry is in love with Hero her maid. Hero and Cherry distract the friend by telling these elaborate stories each night. It’s a beautifully illustrated love story.

Alright, so for those in our community who might not be familiar with your business, can you tell us more?
Prior to my private practice, I worked for community mental health agencies and group practices where the rules are very concrete. I pivoted to a non-clinical role to take a break and in doing so, I realized how important being a therapist is to me. It’s hard to describe! As a therapist I get to be with a client during a challenging time, and create a relationship where they feel safe enough to unfold, explore deeply, and consider what to do next. In starting my therapy private practice, my intention was to reconnect with what I found meaningful, at my own pace. It’s been so fulfilling to be able to go slow, build my own map, and practice therapy the way I want to.

I currently work with teens and adults of all genders coming to therapy for a variety of reasons including: anxiety and depression, exploring sexual orientation and gender identity, creative professionals, young adults struggling with career/transitions/identity, and/or anyone with a preference to be seen by a queer / bisexual therapist.

Any places to eat or things to do that you can share with our readers? If they have a friend visiting town, what are some spots they could take them to?
Hm, a week. That’s plenty of time! We can do the ocean and the trees. For ocean views, I like skating or biking along the beach path or driving up to Point Dume state beach. There are lots of coves to explore up there. Depending on the time of year, I might try to squeeze in a 3-day in Sequoia National Park. Or, hike Strawberry Peak in the Angeles National Forest. We would also eat a lot of good food. Some of my favorites are Lodge Bread Co., The Arepa Stand, Father’s Office, Nong La, Ayara Thai… you really don’t run out of good places to eat here. I would try to fit in seeing a show at the Hollywood Bowl, to me that’s a uniquely L.A. experience.

Shoutout is all about shouting out others who you feel deserve additional recognition and exposure. Who would you like to shoutout?
Do you have time to run some end credits? I would like to thank my therapist, my partner, my dog, and every single friend and fellow therapist / co-worker who gets excited with me and encourages me to keep expanding.

Website: https://www.hillarythomaslcsw.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hillarylcsw/

Why do we self-blame?

What is self-blame?

You can think of self-blame as a way of pointing the arrow at yourself when something undesirable happens. You fault yourself. Sometimes there are situations where you’ve done something wrong; however, there are many more situations where you really did all you could and the outcome was beyond your control. Self-blame can become an ingrained pattern where over and over your default is to blame yourself for the undesirable thing that happened.

Self-blame might sound like:

• “I should have done more.”

• “I shouldn’t have said that.”

• “It was my fault”

• “I could’ve been more…”

Why do we self-blame?

Self-blame can become such an automatic response from us we may not even think of it as a behavior we’re engaging in. The cognition may not feel like a separate thought from you.

Perceived control

If we take a very close look at self-blame, we might learn that one of the reasons it has such a hold on us, is because it gives us a sense of control. Unconsciously we might associate that if the undesirable outcome is connected to me, I can control myself differently and prevent it from happening again. Self-blame gives an illusion of control.

In reality, the world beyond you is unpredictable. Even if you had done “more” or “less”, you may have ended up with the same outcome. There are so many variables beyond yourself.

Relational trauma

Self-blame can also become a highly used coping skill that stems from relational trauma. For example, some of us may have grown up with caregivers or loved ones who blamed us, parentified us, etc. We may have never heard the words “it’s okay, you did all that you could.”

How do I stop self-blaming?

“If you can name it, you can tame it” is a phrase made popular by Dan Siegel. Simply bringing your awareness to when you are engaging in self-blame, can be a monumental first step. You might be able to pause and think - “Wow, I’m being really hard on myself right now. Is this justified? I wonder why I’m being so hard on myself right now?”

The second part of shifting the self-blame is the acceptance that we are living in an unpredictable world. That while there are many things within our control of ourselves, there are SO many more outside of our control.

The third part of unwinding self-blame is to practice self-compassion. The pathways in your brain that recognize your faults have become so well-grooved, you actually do have to practice affirming yourself and your actions. Dr. Kristin Neff says this about self-compassion:

“Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?“

How Mindfulness Can Be a Superpower

A person walks through a meditation maze

What is Mindfulness?

Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as, “"awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”

To be in the present moment and know what you are feeling in a fast-paced world full of stress that often pushes you to looking back or looking forward — that moment of mindfulness is truly a superpowered skill.

Think about it — have you ever found yourself parked at work and not really aware of your drive there? Have you ever eaten a snack and not really tasted it? Maybe you were thinking about something on your to-do list, a stressful conversation you need to have, or were simply distracted. These moments where we go on “auto-pilot” can also be called mindlessness.

First, I want to say that it is so normal and common to have these moments. We have so many thoughts it would be strange to be present for all of them. While it’s common, you may find yourself wanting to be present more often, feel more connected to yourself and accepting of your internal experience, or simply to move about your life with a bit more intentionality. If that’s the case, I encourage you to start a mindfulness practice.

What are the benefits of mindfulness?

Some of the benefits of mindfulness include:

• the ability to be aware of your internal experience

• to be in the present moment without judgement

• with practice, it will give you time to pause and respond rather than to impulsively react to a situation or conversation

How can I start practicing mindfulness?

There are many ways to practice mindfulness. Maybe the most common practice you already know of is meditation. Meditation can sound formal and intimidating. You might find yourself thinking: What if I can’t stay still for long? What if I do it wrong? What if my mind never empties? To that I would say whatever you can do is okay. However long you can sit for (even if its 1-2 minutes to start - is great! And, if your mind never empties that probably means you’re human. We always have thoughts even in mediation — but I think sometimes in meditation you can have fewer thoughts and more awareness of sensation by focusing on breathing and your body.

Still, if meditation feels intimidating you can try out informal or experiential mindfulness practice. You can eat a snack and really savor the flavors and feel the texture. You can go for a very slow walk and just focus on how the ground feels beneath your feet. You can listen to a song and really focus in on it. You can have a conversation and really hone in on how your heart feels in the dialogue. These are all mindful moments, too.

Example of Mindful Walking

A first person view of a mindful walk through a neighborhood

Here are more resources on mindfulness to consider:

• Mindful Awareness Research Center

• Insight Timer

• Guided Self-Compassion Exercises

Myths and Truths about Grief

Grief is another emotion that everyone has a challenging time with. Both in our personal experience and in supporting others through theirs. We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. We all know what it feels like and yet, there can be this pressure to move through it efficiently. If we can unwind what we’ve internalized about grief, can we have a different, more spacious experience of it?

In her book, It’s OK That You’re Not Okay, Megan Divine says that:

“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”

Let’s unpack some myths and truths about grief:

Myths about Grief

• Grief is a negative emotion

• Grief has a timeline

• Grief will consume you

• You can make your grief smaller

Truths about Grief

• Grief is universal – I, personally, don’t believe that any emotion is “bad for us.” We will all experience grief. I like to think of what Francis Weller said:

  “Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close.”

• There is no timeline for grief – there’s this idea that by a certain time after your loved one has died, you should no longer feel sad or as sad. Read that sentence again. Does it sound ridiculous? How could any of us linearly progress through a feeling? Grief, like love, will always be there in some way.

• Some days it will feel like grief is consuming you, but in reality grief is something you can carry. It may feel bigger or smaller on different days.

  • The grief in a box analogy helps to provide an image of why certain days can feel more emotional. Imagine a box with a “pain button” on one wall – also inside the box is your grief which is represented by a circle. This circle can vary in size. Some days it may be small and bounce around without touching the pain button; other days it may be huge and touch the pain button many times.

• You can’t make grief go away, but you can relate to it differently. This is probably the most important realization for your own healing. Grief is going to be there AND you will be okay.

Reimagining Grief

What would happen if we experienced grief and didn’t feel pressure to move through it efficiently, put it away, or make it palatable to others? Could we learn to really connect with grief and examine the need underneath it?

What would grief tell you?

You might hear: “Today I need community,” “Today I need to be left alone,” “Today I need to move slow,” “Today I am feeling incredibly sensitive,” “Today I need distraction,” or “Today I want to do something that helps me feel connected to my loved one.”

If we can tolerate the feeling of grief a little better, we can hear what it says, and learn to nurture it.

Resources:

Refuge in Grief - Megan Divine: https://refugeingrief.com/

The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller: https://www.francisweller.net/books.html

Grief as a Ball in a Box Analogy: https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/#:~:text=Everyone%20experiences%20grief%20in%20different,frequently%20hitting%20the%20pain%20button.

Myths and Truths about Anger

Anger is an emotion that a lot of people have a challenging time with. We judge it almost the moment it appears. Often, we’re brought up believing anger is bad, but is that really true? Maybe it’s the societal and cultural beliefs around anger that make it a difficult experience and not necessarily the emotion itself. If we can unwind what we’ve internalized about anger, can we have a different experience of it?

Let’s unpack some myths and truths about anger:

Myths about Anger

• Anger is a negative emotion

• If you ignore anger, it will go away

• Anger is destructive

• Some people just have bad tempers and can’t help how they express anger

• Venting and physically expressing anger helps make you less angry

• Managing anger means making it quieter and being still

Truths about Anger

• Anger is not a negative emotion

• Ignoring your anger is exactly that, ignoring your experience

• Anger can be productive

• Everyone can learn to express their anger in healthy ways

• Destruction and rumination amplify anger

• Stifling anger doesn’t resolve it

• Physical exercise, writing about your anger, and engaging in constructive conversations with others help regulate anger.

Reimagining Anger

What would happen if we experienced anger and didn’t feel the need to get rid of it immediately or make it small?

There’s a general fear that anger will consume. That you’ll get lost it in. Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says that the intensity of an emotion dissipates in 90 seconds. She recommends “when you’re stressed, pausing ninety seconds and labeling what you’re feeling (eg., I’m getting angry), tamps down activity in the amygdala. MRI studies of the brain show that this “emotion labeling” calms the brain region involved in angry outbursts and helps you regain control.” (Source: Alyson M Stone - 90 Seconds to Emotional Reslience)

Imagine that! A lot of us fight anger or push it down — which we perceive as effective, but really just extends the anger timeline and increases the chance it may spill out or show up unexpectedly, misdirected. If we can name our anger closer to when we initially feel it, we can regulate our nervous systems more compassionately and not force ourselves through the day ignoring it.

Could we learn to connect with anger and examine the need underneath it?

If we can tolerate the feeling of anger a little better, we can nurture it. By that I mean, what’s underneath the anger? Are you responding to injustice, being misunderstood, feeling hurt? Noticing this helps you to understand what actions you may want to take to move through the anger. In this way, anger can become something that inspires motivation and creates fuel for change, conversation, and healthy expression.

How to Make a Self-Compassion Card

What is Self-Compassion?

Dr. Kristin Neff explains the difference between compassion and self-compassion as follows:

“First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

Why Should I Make a Self-Compassion Card?

A self-compassion card is a small creation that you can keep in your wallet, at your desk, on your nightstand, or anywhere you need the reminder.

Self-Compassion does not come easy for a lot of us. We may need reminders to be kind and supportive to ourselves. As you build this card, think about what you need to hear. If you have trouble being kind to yourself, imagine what you might tell a friend who was in your shoes. 

What Do I Need?

You will need: deck of unwanted playing cards (or simply index or cardstock cut down to about that size (credit card size), construction paper, scrapbook paper, magazines for collaging, glue sticks, scissors, pencil, pen, markers, crayons, colored pencils, mod podge or card protector sleeve (optional). 

Directions: 

1. Before you begin, take a couple of slow and centering breaths. Think about an affirming, encouraging, and motivating statement that you need to hear (or tell yourself more often). Think about images that go along with this statement. If you have trouble coming up with something, pause, and imagine what you might tell a good friend in your situation. Then switch from “you” to “I” to make it an affirmation for you. 

   1. I am ____

   2. I have ___

   3. I will ___ 

2. Cut a piece of construction paper or scrapbook paper the size of your playing card and glue it to the front of the card.

3. Continue decorating your card using collage technique - layering photo imagery from magazines, drawing your own illustrations, creating a decorative border, etc. 

4. Somewhere on the card write out your self-compassion statement.

5. You can use mod podge or place your card in a card protector sleeve to keep in intact longer

6. Carry this card in your wallet as a daily reminder and/or place near your desk or nightstand. 

Free PDF of How to Make a Self-Compassion Card